Hello

Well, I feel like writing this, so I'm going to go ahead & write it. As usual. Note: This is solely based on what I feel & what I observe. Excuse me please, it's currently 12:14am and I'm tired.

Vannie,
I don't even know how to explain this exactly, but I feel like you're slowly but surely turning into me... Yep, that must sound weird. But I'm just saying that around 2 years ago, I was in your place. Feeling horrible myself, but helping others instead. You know, I told you that one of the biggest things that makes me feel better about myself & my life is when I help other people. Julia was right about that one. Anyway, I don't know if you are aware, but I can see what you post on twitter and yes, I do check it sometimes. Lately, you've had posts where you write that you have no one to talk to or that you wish that someone would ask you if you were okay... Or how you feel bad. You post on twitter stuff which you should most likely be telling me or julia or any friend. I also don't know if you noticed this, but I've asked you to talk about what is bothering you specifically and anything on your mind. You answered me saying that things are fine, just stressed about school/passing exams blablabla. I would really like you to talk more about YOU.  Anything you, anything at all. I don't care if you think it's stupid, I'd still like to know. I am worried that you're concentrating too much on everyone else, but yourself. It's not the most ideal thing, I'll say that from experience. I love and respect the fact that you put your friends first, that's a very brave thing to do. But I would like to talk about stuff going on in your life, in your mind... MORE. Because again, if no one says anything, I will just continue talking (unless the world is crashing down around me like wednesday) and I find that you don't tell me things that much about your life at the moment because you obviously think I'm going through too much to handle anything else. But that's no good, that's not what I'd like, I don't want special treatment... I would like to be there for you just as much as you are for me. And I know life can suck just because, not for an easily explainable reason. Life can suck for the simple fact that it's just 'okay', I understand that. Please please understand that we are all aloud to feel sad, to feel depressed, to feel like utter shit for no reason at all!!! You don't need to have a 'good' reason, that doesn't matter at all. The fact of the matter is that something is bothering you, that something shouldn't be disregarded because bigger things are happening around you. Also, stop blaming yourself for things that you have no control over. Do not beat yourself up, it's not worth it. And for the mistakes you've made in the past... WHO CARES. We all make mistakes, it's what makes us learn, it's what makes us better people each day. As long as you don't move off to Turkey to live in a farmland with your husband that you married online who owns only a goat, I do not judge you for any 'mistakes' that you've made. Do not dwell on the past, rather, make your future what you find your past lacked. And we're in no rush, we're 15-16 years old, god dammit!!! This is just the beginning.

And you know why I'm so scared to tell feli? Not because I think I'll never have interest in anyone else or that no one else will have interest in me. Because I've never wanted to know someone more than I want to know him. Because I can't even imagine him saying yes. Because I think it would be too good to be true. Because I'm scared to even hope for a yes. Because I fear how I'll handle it if it's a no. I'm scared to let myself be happy, and you know what? That's why I have to do it. For myself, to learn one way or another... To let myself be happy. I need to learn to take my chances and hope for the best, something I've forgotten how to do. This is the beginning. Yes, he's everything to me right now, but one day, I'll look back on it and think that I was an idiot, that's just how life is I guess. It goes on & you should let go.

Here are things I think you should know at a time like this. Things that might need to be addressed and things that I don't say enough. They are all true.
1)I love you, quite a bit, more than nearly everything on this planet
2)I find you very beautiful (especially when you don't pack on the eyeliner hehe), you have big features  and I find they give you this glow and I really like your natural look, i guess that's why the makeup bothers me sometimes, because I find your natural beauty epic
3)I think that I have told you more than I have told anyone else
4)I have had many 'firsts' with you, new experiences that you usually get me into :) I always love it in the end too
5)I find that you are a lot wiser than I give you credit for
6)I think you underestimate your way with words. You have told me very smart things in the past. I am 100% sure that you have things figured out in your mind, it's just harder for you to get it into speech
7)I don't care what you say, you have potential for anything you set your mind to
8)I've always admired the way you think, the more optimistic side, it's something that I wish I could be, but I can't, so I act out against it
9)Stay strong, vannie. Life can be weird and cruel and unfair in the most subtle ways. But, I know in the end, it'll be worth it. Some way, some how... 'We're just trying to find some color in this black & white world.' The color will come, eventually :)

Anyway, I hope this was interesting and entertaining all at once.
Take from this what you will!

Love Always,
Eka

PS: one for you, julia, might be on the way, it's just late now tehe... and i had things to address for van lalala