Hello

Well, I feel like writing this, so I'm going to go ahead & write it. As usual. Note: This is solely based on what I feel & what I observe. Excuse me please, it's currently 12:14am and I'm tired.

Vannie,
I don't even know how to explain this exactly, but I feel like you're slowly but surely turning into me... Yep, that must sound weird. But I'm just saying that around 2 years ago, I was in your place. Feeling horrible myself, but helping others instead. You know, I told you that one of the biggest things that makes me feel better about myself & my life is when I help other people. Julia was right about that one. Anyway, I don't know if you are aware, but I can see what you post on twitter and yes, I do check it sometimes. Lately, you've had posts where you write that you have no one to talk to or that you wish that someone would ask you if you were okay... Or how you feel bad. You post on twitter stuff which you should most likely be telling me or julia or any friend. I also don't know if you noticed this, but I've asked you to talk about what is bothering you specifically and anything on your mind. You answered me saying that things are fine, just stressed about school/passing exams blablabla. I would really like you to talk more about YOU.  Anything you, anything at all. I don't care if you think it's stupid, I'd still like to know. I am worried that you're concentrating too much on everyone else, but yourself. It's not the most ideal thing, I'll say that from experience. I love and respect the fact that you put your friends first, that's a very brave thing to do. But I would like to talk about stuff going on in your life, in your mind... MORE. Because again, if no one says anything, I will just continue talking (unless the world is crashing down around me like wednesday) and I find that you don't tell me things that much about your life at the moment because you obviously think I'm going through too much to handle anything else. But that's no good, that's not what I'd like, I don't want special treatment... I would like to be there for you just as much as you are for me. And I know life can suck just because, not for an easily explainable reason. Life can suck for the simple fact that it's just 'okay', I understand that. Please please understand that we are all aloud to feel sad, to feel depressed, to feel like utter shit for no reason at all!!! You don't need to have a 'good' reason, that doesn't matter at all. The fact of the matter is that something is bothering you, that something shouldn't be disregarded because bigger things are happening around you. Also, stop blaming yourself for things that you have no control over. Do not beat yourself up, it's not worth it. And for the mistakes you've made in the past... WHO CARES. We all make mistakes, it's what makes us learn, it's what makes us better people each day. As long as you don't move off to Turkey to live in a farmland with your husband that you married online who owns only a goat, I do not judge you for any 'mistakes' that you've made. Do not dwell on the past, rather, make your future what you find your past lacked. And we're in no rush, we're 15-16 years old, god dammit!!! This is just the beginning.

And you know why I'm so scared to tell feli? Not because I think I'll never have interest in anyone else or that no one else will have interest in me. Because I've never wanted to know someone more than I want to know him. Because I can't even imagine him saying yes. Because I think it would be too good to be true. Because I'm scared to even hope for a yes. Because I fear how I'll handle it if it's a no. I'm scared to let myself be happy, and you know what? That's why I have to do it. For myself, to learn one way or another... To let myself be happy. I need to learn to take my chances and hope for the best, something I've forgotten how to do. This is the beginning. Yes, he's everything to me right now, but one day, I'll look back on it and think that I was an idiot, that's just how life is I guess. It goes on & you should let go.

Here are things I think you should know at a time like this. Things that might need to be addressed and things that I don't say enough. They are all true.
1)I love you, quite a bit, more than nearly everything on this planet
2)I find you very beautiful (especially when you don't pack on the eyeliner hehe), you have big features  and I find they give you this glow and I really like your natural look, i guess that's why the makeup bothers me sometimes, because I find your natural beauty epic
3)I think that I have told you more than I have told anyone else
4)I have had many 'firsts' with you, new experiences that you usually get me into :) I always love it in the end too
5)I find that you are a lot wiser than I give you credit for
6)I think you underestimate your way with words. You have told me very smart things in the past. I am 100% sure that you have things figured out in your mind, it's just harder for you to get it into speech
7)I don't care what you say, you have potential for anything you set your mind to
8)I've always admired the way you think, the more optimistic side, it's something that I wish I could be, but I can't, so I act out against it
9)Stay strong, vannie. Life can be weird and cruel and unfair in the most subtle ways. But, I know in the end, it'll be worth it. Some way, some how... 'We're just trying to find some color in this black & white world.' The color will come, eventually :)

Anyway, I hope this was interesting and entertaining all at once.
Take from this what you will!

Love Always,
Eka

PS: one for you, julia, might be on the way, it's just late now tehe... and i had things to address for van lalala

Roses (Cover) - The Maine

Perfect~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8uiPjrw25I&feature=player_embedded
Originally by OutKast :)
hahaha this song is awesome & john sings it amazingly (y)
"Real guys go for down to Mars girls."
hahaha but they didn't sing the whole song :P check out the lyrics
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/outkast/roses.html it's a very funny song (:


Another version of it, i think it's better quality:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q47DF8EhgbQ&feature=endscreen

-Eka

Christofer Drew

Perfect example of a really big modern-day druggie who's just really really awesome. I really like the way he thinks and the way he sees things. True artist right here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ_NvomQL_4&feature=relmfu
no need to watch it all :) or at all. I just wanted to share his awesomeness :') even if he's obsessed with  dubstep :p but there's just something about him that's cool :) he's such a hippie!

Some interesting facts about him:
-He is a vegan
-He doesn't  believe in wearing shoes. He doesn't wear them unless it's absolutely necessary, usually just goes around barefoot
-He likes to wear the same outfit for a long period of time and when he finally changes, he sometimes just ditches the clothes somewhere or gives it to someone
-He's been smoking cigarettes since he was 14, weed since he was 16
-He does meth, acid & LSD occasionally
-He's absolutely aware of how bad the drugs are for him but he lives by the thought that every second you're already dying so might as well do what makes you happy
-He used to cut himself, now drugs replaced the self-harm
-He dropped out of high school to pursue music, he regrets it a lot
-His family kicked him out of the house for dropping out and he lived on his own in his car for a long time. He says he enjoyed that time of his life a lot because it was just so different
-He believes that his body is a canvas and doesn't believe in getting random tattoos. He thinks about his tattoos in such detail before getting them even if he has many :p
-He does not resent his parents in any way, he even got their initials tattooed on his hands with anchors.
-He seriously tries to love everyone and everything
-He loves when fans can just have normal conversations with him about life :)
-He hates pictures
-He likes wearing really weird hats
-He's very religious, but he doesn't believe in organized religion, he just believes in a God. Recently, he likes Buddhist religion a lot
-He's completely open to ANY type of beliefs
-He once got kicked out of church for bringing homeless people in and teaching them about faith
-He wrote the song Time Travel (by NeverShoutNever otherwise known as him+his live band) on a drug trip
-He has two light facial tattoos, a tear drop that he says represents compassion and a moon :)
Hehe he's very special....
This is him now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aLFvKzXTqg ;P yeah, he's a bit cracked, but I think he's happy so that's good :) but his music did get a lot darker recently.... hmmm I really enjoy his music though!

Okay, I had fun talking about him :) byebye
-Eka

P.S: This is the dude Mitch's sister Katie said she would marry in a second! Hehe

WHAT DID I JUST WATCH HAHAHAHA

Um, I met this man a week ago. That is all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75WPhqodqUg&feature=player_embedded

-Eka

This Is Why I Love Them

All Time Low. They have this sense of unity that other bands don't necessarily have.They are brothers, they stick up for each other and stand up for what is right. I love them so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zF9CTY0Fto&list=FLB3OxSoSwhm0tqpYZmbW4Cg&index=1&feature=plpp_video

:)

-Eka

PS: Also, watch this. I cried laughing. Stretches this dude learnt at church camp.
http://glamydia.tumblr.com/post/7096049849/a-stretch-we-learned-at-church-camp
And this is the customized shoes site.
www.musicforthesole.tumblr.com
Boy proposes to his girlfriend on stage at an ATL concert :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kr-imE4AGhA&feature=related
This show is the reason ATL are banned from Six Flags Texas :p Basically, the kids got out of hand and security starting macing (pepper spraying) KIDS. Alex called them out on that and Martin from Boys Like Girls agreed by stating a big fuck you to them... :) The calling out starts at about 2:50 & at 1:10 Jack picks up a girl and runs her to safety :') it's the cutest thing actually... I'm jealous of her hahaha.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LwOeXsyyto&feature=related
Alex calling out a security guard for being too harsh ;p it's what my husband does best. He just speaks what's on his mind. Obviously gets him in a lot of shit sometimes, but it gets me in shit too sooo... Haha love him :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA3yiKlrLhA&feature=related

I love trees...

I have been procrastinating all night...i have a history test tomorrow and i havnt started studying...Arière calls me at 10:25 about history and we are off the phone at 10:30...I was kinda just sitting on my floor trying to will myself into studying but it didnt really work out...instead after looking out my window and discovering no moon i found myself walking down the stairs  and pausing at the bottom of them. I go to the basement but saras on the phone so i go back into the living room and again i just stand at the top of the stairs in my living room. then spice comes to say hello to me. i pick her up and go next to the window. I then go on my knees and i open the little window and breath in the surprisingly not too cold air. the air was just cool, almost warm. Spice hops up next to the window and we both just stare outside. I can hear my dad snoring and next thing you know i just stand up and quietly go down the stairs and quietly open both doors. and i find myself outside.
 I take two abrupt steps foward and then stop. I look around. and see light in a rectangular shape on the grass in front of me. i then realize that its from my room. I walk towards the tree in front and i easily climb up onto the first branch without touching the ropes. I sit there for a little bit, then i move onto the other branch and i lean backwards. Im thinking about how i really feel like biking at the moment. but it would make to much noise to open the garage door so i make myself a mental note to leave my bike in the backyard as soon as the nice weather is permanent for a little while. I continue lying on the branch and reposition myself to get more comfortable. (fyi, im bare foot in loose shorts and my blue sweater) I look at my watch to find that 15min have passed since i got off the phone with arièle. I begin thinking about how i hope no one from my house notices i left, even if i am only in the front yard. i also begin to think about how i wish i could be doing this with mitch not necessarily being in the tree but i like the idea of being out doing nothing  in particular at night. then as a continue lying there i start asking myself questions about life that can never be answered. after a little while of this which just resulted in me singing softly to myself i decide i should go back inside. I sit up but find myself reaching for the branch higher up. I begin climbing higher up the tree ignoring the pain in my feet. I find myself near the top of the tree overlooking the roof of my house and discovering the moon right over the roof off st-thomas! i start smiling like a dork cause i found the moon. and i didnt even realize i was looking for it. Its partly hidden by the clouds and its all yellow like...very pretty. i stand/lean there for a while looking around cause im so high and everything looks so different from here especially at night. id never climbed the tree at night. i find myself singing softly to myself again though i cant recall any of the songs i was singing looking back now. I feels very good being up high in the tree and after a little while i find myself climbing down. I'm almost at the first branch when i look over to the school and discover that i cant see the moon anymore so i go up one branch and there it is again. i sit there for another little while thinking about nothing in particular. I look at my watch again and its now 11pm. I continue sitting there, high enough to see the moon and the top of my roof for a little bit. then I step down and grab hold of a branch with my hands. I push away from the tree and i just hang from the branch with my feet dangling down above the ground. i stay like that for a few seconds and then i just let go. I land easily with no pain.
 I walk towards the house and stop half way there. I do a hand stand on the grass and then a cartweel. then i continue walking toward the door and right before i reach the asphalt i stop and do a back walkover. all of this effortlessly. I finally walk towards the door and open it quietly and close it. I lock it. I open and close the other door quielty and then make my way upstairs back to my room. I grab my computer and discover that it is 11:11 so i make a wish until it changes to 11:12. then i find myself here cause i wanted somewhere to write this random 42minutes of my evening. it was very odd and relaxing and interesting. i hope i didnt bore you too much since nothing exciting happens in this text. good night. maybe I'll try to study for history now.
-Sekoya

The Thought Box

Hey :) check this out! I find that it's a very nice idea :)
the though box
okay, goodnight, sleep tight and may your mind be free of troubles...

-Eka

The Solution~

No One Does It Better -You Me At Six
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86skxpUOqEE

So I have to say something. I am talking to both of you. Stop whatever kind of scheming you guys have been up to lately to try to 'help me'. Please & thank you. What you've been doing, although it's thoughtful, hasn't been helpful to me in any way. It has done nothing but make me feel excluded & out of it. I feel as if in your attempts to help me in some way, you have only managed to push me away. I have said this many times & I will say it again, so listen close. The most you guys could ever do for me is love, hug, support & be there for me. Please stop talking for hours on the phone about how you oh so dearly want to help me, okay? I would like to be part of the conversations if you do. Excluding me is about the worst thing you could ever do at this point to be honest.

"If I just save you, you could save me too." That's the only solution okay? Until then, I'll keep it together somehow, promise.  :)

-Eka

-automatically regrets making this post-

Just waiting for proof that there are sunsets & silhouette dreams..

Well, I haven't technically written anything on here for while. So I thought this was a convenient time to do so :p

I am currently watching Julia's I love you Erika video to me on my iPod while typing this:) And just finished bawling my eyes out to True Colors that never fails to make me cry... Hehe! Just remember that those are good tears! Those are the tears that keep me sane. So, thank you so much.

I guess I didn't just stumble upon Julia's video... I went to find it, because I wasn't in my best states. I guess that I'm not making much progress, I'm just losing track of what is making me sad... Which is probably worse than before. But I know I'll be fine.. even though I'm not always right. I am NOT depressed. I'm just a teenage dirtbag... But all song jokes aside, I seriously don't know what's going on and that's probably why it's scary. I just don't know... Routine. Routine kills me. My heart's just not as into every day life anymore.. I think I'm subconsciously waiting for something extraordinary to happen, but it doesn't, so this breaks me... I'd like to have a chance at something that seems unlikely, something that I once thought was impossible. It would be just amazing.

It seems as though my ability to handle things has dropped sufficiently. I just simply cry & let things faze me a lot more than I did before. I just keep hoping for a bigger purpose, but it's not there. People talk to me nowadays and I can't always concentrate. It's like they fade out and I'm alone in the room. I don't know what to make of it... All I know is that Alex describes these exact things in his blogs and I can't help, but be so intrigued by this. I can't draw away from the fact that were so similar in that way... My love for him is something so big, it's scary. Love is a scary thing though. It's actually sickening how much you can love a person.

I'm scared that one day you'll realize that I'm not as amazing as you once thought I was. This quote really gets to me... I don't know. People lately have been telling me how amazing I am and I just sit here thinking that they think way too highly of me. Like, I can't live up to their expectation of who I am, like I could disappoint someone I really care about. I just want to scream that I'm not a saint, that I have faults too.

Feel free to contradict anything in this text! I'm just being brutally honest about how I feel right now. I can't quite get all the words out at this moment. But I'm working on it!

Also, just to let you know, I have started writing my book. The outline is basically the outlook on a misfit of a girl who falls for a stoner. Sounds familiar? Nope, because the stoner eventually falls for her too ;) As cheesy as this sounds... I'm actually proud of the little prologue I have so far.... Bear with me! I'll hopefully be posting it on my special writing page soon, so keep a look out for that!

Song on repeat right now:

You Be the Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds by Mayday Parade (& yes, that is the title.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8xDOP-MAJA

One of the most beautiful songs ever...

I love you :) I'm alright, don't worry about me please! Goodnight <3

-Eka

my march break

friday: sleepover with blanche, she started by playing with her sister wii and i made KD and served them and i was just like umm ok, im left out, so went upstairs and did my hair and makeup. then she came and shortly after we left her place. we walked a long way, to get to a dep then went to a skatting rink and then finally to her gabs place. gab had already 2 friends over, we all chilled, did each others hair then listened tot his: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUDTlvagjJA u must listen! omg:P then we went outwside and me and blanche lisfted gabs friend, cuz she does cheerleading so we had her feet at our heads, it was epic, and took 4 tries to get ité;D then saw the church so went to the window and stood there like cereepy people and then the kdis inside r saying fuck u balbla . then the moniteur comes and finalyl invites in, we play a ball game then other leave, we do the lift then leave. me and blanche bused back to her place, then didnt do much, she feel asleep:/ next morning she wakes me up at 8:30-.- we get up, and didnt do much cuz she cudlnt walk.

saturday i got home and dont do much

sunday i go to movies with sean

monday i go skiing with damily at mont gabriel, dad fell and i almost did cuz i ddint c him then he was in my way:P i freaked and wish i knew about concosions:/ then we had lunch and finally made him go c nurse after

tuesday skiing with mom and sean at chateaucler, And i fell going off jump, first time i did it and its more steep the hill after jump then im used to and second time fell, broke poll handel and after thumb was hurting, cudnt use it-.- - went to the DDO interview thing, we went in pool and got tested. only reasdon i didnt make it is cuz i wont have my certificate of bronze-cross by the ttime it starts:/

wednesday, got up early to go to Super Aqua Club interview,we were 5 in the room, interview was 10 min, and im still waitting for asnwer:S then went home, then went to ekas and sleept over there:D we made cookie bowl:D went shopping, i had fuuun but the whole day i was in pain cuz i didnt sleep well.-.- so feel asleep early

thrusday dad comes at 10 ish while ekas still in bed:P then i get home after passing by martas work and then julia finally comes voer but not for long:( then had lifeguard cpr test

friday mike was suppiosed to come voer but obvs didnt, he was too tired;) so i did nothign

saturday went tot the movies with nathan, babysat from 10 to 2:P made lots of money, too much:S

ssunday slept in till 2, latest of the break:P and went to pharmacie and didnt do anything, freakoed out about science and read and now im here:)

-Nessa