mitchell...again!

so after skyping with erika i was suposed to go to sleep but instead i hid in arieles bathroom and messaged mitch. we just stopped, he wants to see me before we leave im guessing its cause he wants to talk to me about ya know...this can be good or bad news...im leaning towards bad news cause i now know a big reason behind his confusion and the last time he initiated plans it was to tell me he doesnt want to go out with me sooo deja vu dont ya think? anyways  the weekend after he kissed me he was at his friends 18th. i knew this and nadege, arieles sister informed me that she had asked him how it was going with him and me and he said he was confused. okay good. at least its the same story. only thing, later at the party mitch got wasted and confessed his love for this girl sasha that he's liked since highschool. shes dating someone else so didnt even care.he could have just been drunk but still. anyways so i guess hes torn between two girls. one wwho he actually likes and one who likes him. nadeges advice is that i ditch him cause she was in a situation where the guy liked her and another girl and it was very hurtful obviously. she understands though that this is easier said than done cause she didnt ditch the guy she had liked. she gets that giving up when there is still hope is practically impossible when you have feelings for someone. yeeeea. so that sucks... well i dont know what mitchells desicion is or if he even has one but thats whats knew. even in knowlton i cant escape him! im kinda leaning towards no big time but obviously hope never leaves ya! im curious to know what erikas gut tells her...kinda scared though. ouff! mitch has definetly complicated my life or at least made it more exciting!
well im bracing myself but i dont think ill ever be prepared!
-Sekoya

Six Feet Under The Stars

Travel log Friday, July 20th + Saturday, July 21st + Sunday, July 22nd (a lil past midnight) *keep in mind that Japan is 13 hours in advance & Singapore is 12 Montreal, QC  I just had the freak out of my life. I'm dead tired (because I slept less than 3 hours) so I closed my eyes while waiting at our gate for the Toronto flight & when I opened them, I was staring at the back of Felipe's head. Okay, so it wasn't him, but the resemblance from the back was so scary. I shat bricks. I was half asleep so it just shocked me more okayyy. Moka Cookie Crumble frappucino from Starbucks is incredible. It helped me wake up a bit.  - 1h30mins flight to Toronto- I'm such a loser, I made a take off playlist and took selfies in the plane. She Takes Me High by WTK was magical especially when we passed through the clouds... Followed by Six Feet Under The Stars. I'm just sitting here staring at the map on the screen eating pretzels and sipping Sprite thinking about how I really wanna go to Baltimore (home of all time low, Thames street & south broadway) one day... No I am not too obsessed with ATL. Shut up. Hahaha.  Toronto, ON  This guy at Toronto Pearson sounded exactly like the Asian dude from The Hangover. I was dying.  -12h30mins flight to Tokyo- Feels like I'm a minority on this flight, everyone's Japanese!!! Even the announcements are in Japanese first! 21 Jump Street. So fucking funny oh my god. I was dying in the plane. "But you brought us taco bell man." HAHAHA. And his voice cracks while saying it. Omg, replayed that part 6 times!!!! Super courteous Asian dude my age let me go to the bathroom first even if we got there at the same time, very nice of him. He was cute. 500 Days Of Summer<3... I find I'm like the main character :p a bit too much.. High School Musical. In a plane. How cool am I. Don't act like you don't know the words to the songs hahaha. Sang along the whole time..... Fell asleep for 30mins at the end of HSM & now I can't sleep anymore:( AND I keep farting:( lololol sad times. The airplane food isn't agreeing with me maybe? The Fault In Our Stars by John Green is fucking amazing so far. Quotes I like and felt like writing down: "Pain demands to be felt." "Sometimes people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them." "The weird thing about houses is that they almost always look like nothing is happening inside of them, even though they contain most of our lives. I wondered if that was sort of the point of architecture." I desperately wish for a plot twist like Augustus Waters ( boy in the book) in my life.... But I guess it'd only be fair if I were dying from terminal cancer.. Dammit! "Oh, I wouldn't mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you." crying omfg.  Tokyo, Japan  Um. Well, the flight here was really fun & passed by pretty fast! About 12 & a half hours down, about 6 & a half to go.. I think this flight to Sing is going to be a lot harder for me. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep & I've been up for almost 18hours now or something... Ahhhh. Going insane because it's afternoon here now. Anyway, I took a piss in Japan. Oh yes. I also bought a Japanese lemon drink & Japanese Hershey's. The chocolate is spicy.... Something is so wrong here. They've heated this airport and I am currently dying omg whyyyy. It's fucking hot. I'm gonna sleep at the gate for a bit, my head kills. Everyone's Asian, that's when you know you're not in Canada anymore. Ahajsisnd my head.  -6h30mins flight to Singapore- Boarded. This plane is a lot smaller, less leg room... That's just great ain't it? When I wanna sleep, suddenly the plane is so uncomfortable. Great. I read a bit. Couldnt stop moving to try to get comfortable, it was ridiculous. Finally passed out for a few hours with the help of my blanket, blindfold, ear plugs & head wrap around thing. Woke up. Accidentally made the decision to take meal A which is a Japanese meal... Little did we know that meal B was a hamburger! Wtf, it had some Japanese name on the menu & the jap one said shrimp with rice... It was horrible okay. The shrimp had EYES , their was some sort of fish egg in my plate and the noodles were so bad. I feel sick with it in front of me. Ugh , only thing that was good was the miso soup. That, tasted like back at home!  Anyway, I couldn't stop falling in and out of sleep and I swear, when you go on long plane rides, the amount of times I have to go take a piss is embarrassing! I mean, I don't know what it is, but the plane makes me pee more haha. I slept through the landing, I was out cold. My mom had to shake me awake! Singapore, Singapore Dead. Tired. Holy shit, I have never felt this tired in my whole entire life. Good thing it's midnight here now though, or else I'd have very very bad jetlag. Singapore customs go really fast, they're really organized so we were outta there really quick! I like it here already, I don't know. My aunt & Carl came to pick us up & we drove to their condo. We got to drive through the heart of Singapore, there's this giant ferris wheel in the middle of the city, the biggest I've ever seen & it was all lit up. So pretty. It was like I was high because I was so tired, everything was like whoaaa. The streets are so flawless, no pot holes & it's so clean here, no litter on the ground AT ALL. It's extremely illegal to litter. I find that great! Distribution of gum is also illegal here, but you're aloud to possess and have for personal use as long as you dispose of it properly! They act as if it's a drug here, frowned upon. Hahaha, love how different it is here, so much nicer than Montreal just because it's so pretty to look at no matter where you are<3 I got introduced to my room, which I adore , BY TH E WAY. It's my own and it's small and cozy and I have a nice sofa bed that's the comfiest sofa bed ever. I have access to the balcony from my room as well! And nobody can tell if I go out on it in the middle of the night, it makes no noise at all (so no one will hear me go out) and it's such a nice view. I took a shower and it was one of those rain showers, so awesome. I read The Fault In Our Stars & passed out a few chapters before the end... I could get used to this :) Love always, Eka

i dont know what to do!

hahaha at the moment my issue is trying to figure out  whether or not I should go to sleep cause I have to get up in 3 hours...
thats all! nothing more nothing less, nothing to do with mitchell! haha
See ya!
-Sekoya
P.S. sorry for this random useless post...:P

interesting evening...

So I met up with Mitchell...
we biked down to Pointe-Claire village and walked down to the water where we started skipping stones. We talked...as usual its not very hard for me to hold a conversation with him. We also made an inukshuk that was funny. However i was not able to make myself  bring up the ''topic''. At like 8:30 we headed over on our bikes to his friends house. christopher
Christopher was nice and weird which made him pretty awesome. I didnt feel weird at all. Obviously when they would talk about the stupid stuff they did i would have as much to say cause my experiences would me kinda tame compared to falling off of moving trucks....hehe yeah
guys when they hang out eat  A LOT
i drank soooo much i had a big glass of water, then we made really weird lemonade with brown sugar...hehe and they later made themselves chicken sandwhiches, and then we made an apple drink, like grinded up apples with apple cider...weird also hehe
i had to go pee twice :P
around 11:20 we went on out bikes and they were gonna go see if i could get into clydes (a bar) but inn the end we didnt even try cause there were two bouncers at the doors
in the end we parted with christopher and me and mitchell headed home
when we got to my house i said:
''Um I kinda wanted to talk to you...but we could always just talk next time we see eachother''
''About what exactly...?'' he asked
''Um well pretty much about last week cause it's still not clear to me...'' I admitted
''Well I have time now'' he said
So I asked him just to be clear that it was that he doesnt think i could have a serious relationship it being my first. and he was like yeah cause hes gone out with girls whom it was their first relationship and...yeah
so i told him what i wanted to say i thought it was funny when i asked him
''If your not interested you just tell me and that'll be that''
''Oh believe me I am, I am interested'' he said
haha okaaay
I also mentioned
''Yeah you also wouldn't be able to move very quickly with me...''
''Yeah that is also a big factor'' he admmitted
BAM emily said no guy would ever admit that
well she has just been proven wrong!
I also told him
''I just want you to know what I think. I don't think I'll change your mind. I just wanted to say what I thought cause I didnt last time cause i was kinda shocked yea know''
''Well I'll think about'' he said
He said a lot that he is really confused and stupid
and that he's really confused hehe
''I'm really bad at girl stuff...'' he admitted
''Haha don't worry about it! I'm new to all this as you know so you could get away with pretty much everything!'' i said
He laughed :)
I asked him what his definition of a serious relationship after having said mine and he agreed with mine
The whole time I would talk he would say thngs like ''fair point'' and ''True true''
i told him how i think a first relationship can be a serious relationship. i mentioned how my sisters current boyfriends are their first hehe
and hoow i dont think you can know that about a person after having hung out with them like 4 times
how i dont even know myself if it would work and thats what i was trying to do. i like what im seeing and i want to see more. I'm just trying to get to know him
well anyways, i will be seeing him next week and  he'll be giving me linkin park songs on a usb
well it still very weird and obviously i still like him but ill just go with it for now. i still wanna hang out with him so i guess ill see how it goes...all of this cause the guys confused!
-Sekoya

Hi Julia

I'll call you tomorrow in the day. I'm so sorry, there's just a lot going on in my head AND now on my twitter.. A girl died in a mosh pit at warped in toronto, she was an All Time Low fan. It just hurts me as if I actually knew her. Rian, Jack & Alex tweeted about it too and totally killed me. Alex has been tweeting some intense poetic stuff like he used to, it's just making me appreciate life so much. If anyone says they don't care about their fans, they can go eat shit. They are the most wonderful human beings ever. And Alex is my everything. He's what keeps me going. He's my hero in every way possible.

-sigh-
I have too many emotions.
But no worries, despite recent events, I'm incredibly happy haha. This has just made me reevaluate stuff in my life.

Long live us.

-Eka

he's making me fat too!

Bahaha yeees me and Elyse created this! YAY!
I think I'm going through the hysterical stage of this crap...cant stop laughing and getting upset

waaaaaat???

So these are the options I can come up with...
1- he's just not interested in me in that way and came up with that lame excuse (Nothing I can do)
2- or maybe he just honestly thinks that my first relationship couldnt be a serious one (I disagree with him)
3-or maybe he doesnt want to have a relationship with me cause I wouldnt be able to move quickly with him physically (I agree but once I'd be comfortable with that stuff  don't see the problem)

he said something on these lines...
''So last week when I kissed you...it was obviously your first ...right?
''yeeea''
''Well yea so that surprised me cause I had thought that you had had a boyfriend in the past...''
''Okaaay''
''So yea. I want a serious relationship. and I dont think you could have a serious relationship, it being your first."
''Huh?''
And then he tried explaining himself pretty badly mentioning how he thinks this from his past experiences, and how he's still like to see me if I want cause I'm fun to be around, and how he thinks I'm pretty and thats partly why he was surprised that I havnt had a boyfriend in the past and blah blah blah

So I want to talk to him again cause its not very clear to me...
Both Sara, Emily and Fred have serious relationships with their boyfriends and it was all their first
If he actually liked me he wouldnt care that I have no experience
Jason didnt care with Sara...
ARG! This is depressing...
I'm tired of being sad about this and its only been two days
I cried after he told me, I cried when Erika came over, I cried when I got back from Erikas and had to explain to my parents
I still can't let go cause its still unclear to me
If I had no hope it would be because it was clear
I know I cant change my mind but I want him to know how I feel about all this and I want to actually understand his reasons
A serious relationship to me is when you are COMMITTED  to the other person, you care for each other, you respect each other and trust each other
This is what I wanted and still want to eventually have with him. I believe I AM ready for that. Problem is he doesnt think so

I need ask him what he means by serious relationship.
I don't think I can change his mind about this but it won't stop me from trying to get my point across and  trying to fully understand his reasons
-Sekoya

AAAAAAHHHH hihihihihih HOLY shitauki mushrooma I do NOT know how to spell that

wooooooaaaahhhhh
ahhhhh
omygoodnesss aaaaahhhh
okay so this is a recap of the night
he gets to the bus and we start talking blah blah bkah erika calls about her ear thing which i have to find we continue talking blah blah blah
the bus comes. we sit and i make a point of having my leg touching his
we talk blah blah
we get to fairview and wait for the 217 which comes late
we talk while waiting, we talk when the bus finally comes, the bus is really slow and there is an accident so it goes even slower
we finally get to the colisee around 7:45 and the movie started at 7:35 but it was fine we barely missed anything
i had one of those coupons for the colisee buy one general get the other free but you couldnt use it at the machines. so we selected two tickets and then he just had to pay for both cause the thing didnt have anything to scan the coupon obviously
so anyways we go in the movie theater find our spots sit down and again i make a point in sitting with my legs towards him
right near the begining he put his hand on his knee really close to my leg...as the movie went on his hand moved closer and closer till his whole hand was finally resting on my leg
like pretty much everytime he would laugh he would move his hand a little more onto my leg
when his whole hand was on my leg, he would make ciricles with his thumb on my leg i just about died
at this. during the whole movie i was trying to convince myself to lean on him, i was still not able to do it even when his whole hand was on my leg
what kinda convinced me was that i knew the end of the movie was approching and i was telling myself that if Mitchell had the guts to pull a move so did i
and i finally did lean on him and i rested my hand on his arm :P i was proud of myself cause my hand being there made it less friendly
when my head was on his shoulder i was melting inside cause he leaned his head on my head and his thumb was still stroking my leg and he felt so WARM i know its freakin random but it was so PERFECT god! i was very comfortable with my head their and i dont know but  it just had me grinning like an idiot while spiderman was being attacked!
after the movie we went to the front where they sell the tickets to ask if they could refund one of them with the coupon but they couldnt
while we were waiting someone poked me in the back and that someone wound up being elyse and megan who ran off giggling it was FUNNY
cause they KNEW obviously
yea mitchell didnt really seem to think they were weird but he DID say that two of my friends added him on facebook and poked him
hahahahaha i was like ''well i dont have facebook so I dont know...'' bahahaha FUNNY
then we went out of the movie theater on the hunt for an atm machine cause i needed change for the bus cause there were no more tickets on my opus card...
the subway couldnt help and double pizza was closed so we decided we would walk all the was to st charles and i kept on apologizing cause it was my fault and hes now stuck walking all the way to st charles but he insisted he honestly didnt mind cause he likes walking so we talked till we got to the st chalres/ brunswick
and there we went into the gas station and used the atm machine took out 20$ got the change from the guy at the cash
so i paid mitchell back and had my 3$ for the bus
we then waited for the bus. at this point it was like 11:15pm ANYWAYS  so the bus finally came and in the bus he had his hand touching my leg again, and a strand of my hair was floating around cause of the wind so he started teasing me about that
then we got out of the 201 at our stop which is at the library about a 15minute walk from my house
yea i was confused cause i thought we would just walk up st johns and then split but instead he insisted on walking me home and when we reached the side walk he put his arm around my waist and after a split second hesitation i put mine around his waist :)
this part was PRICELESS cause he had to keep stopping so he could pull up his pants cause they were falling off!!! this just made it all that much better! hehehhehehe
yeeeaaa and i was dying when his arm was around my waist cause it was just...aaaah i dont know! AGAIN i know this is random but hes so WARM i love it!
so yea when we were approching my street i said ''you really dont have to walk all the way back to my house, just continue when we reach my street''
He was shaking his head tisking at that suggestion ''no no no thats not an option''
I then said ''you really dont have to, like seriously how threatening does my street look. i think ill survive''
''The trees will eat you!'' he said
I laughed and said '' no! trees arre my friends!''
but he was still shaking his head as if my suggestion was completely stupid :)
When we arrived at my house he walked me all the way to y door and then we said good bye and hugged, then as we pulled away he kissed me. i just think i was in shock when this happened and then after a few nice kisses that i barely remember he pull me in for a hug again and said softly that he'll see me again soon :)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
so i think the night went better than expected :)
im still in shock
i was in total shock when i went in the house and even worse when he kissed me! bahaha
i cant believe it!
CRAZY
-Sekoya

Blah

I dont really know what to write here
my thought are kinda crazy... Mitchell...obviously
I just dont get it! why am i so not able to let it go! I know that i really like him and id be freaking depressed if he told me to my face to leave him alone but im not like obsessed with this kid...like id be able to move on if he outright ditched me...im not like head over heals in love with him
BUT i still cant seem to let this go! its been going on for 3 months! when will this end! When will i be like ''C'est assez la!'
There are these possibilies that zoe came up with that i had already pretty much thought/heard of
1- I'm in denial resulting in the fact that i actually am completly crazy about him (which i think is highly unlikely)
2- I like the idea of him and i dont want to let go of the ''what could have been''
even at number 2 it still doesnt fully answer my question cause then again why cant i let go of the what could have been? Is it just my personality?I DONT KNOW!
Am i obsessive oor just determined? I DONT KNOW!
Obviously a big obstacle is that i dont know how he feels or could feel
cause according to alex and others agree...i pretty much screwed up when i didnt react to his arm around my waist and then not pulling a move when we hung out again was also stupid on my part
soooo if i actually GET the chance to hang out with him again i lean on him or whatever
Cause sooooorryyy that i dont know nothing about flirting and soooorrry that i too much of a chicken to do anything!
im SCARED! of rejection! that he wont freakin like me! cause it hurts! arg! I'm terrrified everytime i call! that he wont answer or that hell make a quick excuse t get off the phone
and it happened last week! he didnt answer and then never called back
so why am i calling again???
oh yea and i know he was back for canada day cause  he wrote on facebook ''so whos going to the firworks in pointe-claire''
hes not INTRESTED!
and maybe he USED to be but hes making it awfully hard to regain
why cant i just let it go!!! whyyy
shouldnt i try to find someone who would fight as hard as i am? it didnt take him very long to give up after HE thought that I wasnt interested
hes definetly not acting like hes interested but im still trying
it didnt take him very lonng to give up! doesnt that tell me something about him?
arg
blah
i dont even know if this made sense!
-Sekoya