ERIKA
when emily was in class and me alone in her apartment, I tried to figure out what was going on with you. I listened to all of the songs you put on the blog so many times. you say that music understands you so I was listening to the one thing that understands how you feel.
I feel like you are slipping away. you are putting in your earphones on at lunch more and more and you zone out and get absorbed with the music cause its the only thing you feel understands you.
I wanted to know why everytime you mention how i never stay mad at things, you say it as if its a bad thing. I guess its partly cause you are afraid of me getting used. and partly cause you would never let someone force you to do something you dont want to do. you dont put up with someone for long if they are taking advantage of you. you'll stand up for yourself. I DO let people take advantage of me.I let my mom take advantage of me, I let arièle take advantage of me, I let my sisters take advantage of me, I let the people at passion play take advantage of me, I let my dad take advantage of me... I let everyone take advantage of me to a certain degree! I got it from my dad!
I was reading over the birthday card I got from you this year and then read the one from last year. they are so different yet it was only one year. we've been through more together this year than we have in the past ones i think. the most significant moment for me is when we had the sleepover at my house and I wound up crying in my bed and you came over. my friendship toward you became so much stronger that moment cause you saw me completely fallen and broken and NO ONE has EVER seen me like that.
you've been sad and harsher about everything lately and I'm confused to what is going on. you are angry at the world. is it that, that makes you so pessimistic. but is there something specific going on in your life that is bringing this on. i guess its mainly cause we are teenagers and so unstable and being angry at the world is like the number one thing teenagers are mad at. we are acting like typical teenagers but how do i help you get through this stage?! how do i make it easier. you wont be in this stage forever but for the time being what are the pain killers?! other than music. what can iii do
ZOE
I dont have much to write about you. its just that i've noticed that we hadn't been talking much like we used to and I realized, now that im talking to you more again how much talking to you helps me. every word you utter sounds so right. you make me realize things. alot that i already know. i wish i could call you right now so you could make sense of whats going through my head.
ARIÈLE
Ive figured out one thing about us lately. I was comparing the issue with francesco and emily to the issue with us. francesco feels like emily doesn't do as much to show that she loves him. he gives and gives and gives and emily doesn't give as much but cares for him equaly. my dad pointed out that when you do something you shouldn't expect anything in return. you should do something cause you want to. In our relationship I give and give and give and dont get much in return. I DONT expect anything in return. so as ive realized its not that you dont give back to me thats the problem (like it is for francesco), its that i give and you give me back poop. you get mad at me for no reason, you put me last and all of this without realizing it so then it makes me rethink why i do nice things for you. I do them cause i want to but I rethink it not when i dont get anything back but when you treat me like crap. so the francesco emily thing is in the end not that similar to the julia ariele thing. since i KNOW you care about me but you do a bad job at treating me nicely,
MOM
you SCREWED up my life, yours and everyones close to you. I love you really is starting to sound like a lie. and you are addicted! and as zoe pointed out. until YOU decide to put the bottle down we are not going anywhere. you can have all the supervision in the world but since you are an addict, until you decide not to be one, we can't do anything to help. you have to CHOOSE! you were never there for your daughters. we've been taking care of you are whole lives. and now because of you we have to take care of dad too. who's taking care of your daughters. dad will never leave you cause he made a commitment to you and won't back down. he gives and gives and never expects anything in return and you choose to cheat on him with a bottle of vodka. you choose to yell at him and to complain to him and to make him feel guilty. you choose to bring him down with you. but we are still there holding on to him keeping him from getting to close to the bottom.cause we WONT let him go down with you. with emily gone and sara always out I'm left caring for you and dad alone. I was the one holding the gauze to your eye after you fell down the stairs and Im the one who consoles dad when he can't deal with YOU anymore. not sara or emily! ME! look what you've done! Fix it! obvioulsly i will still try to fix you cause you are the only thing I cant let go of! but i've never been good at puzzles so FIX yourself! before I break MYSELF trying to fix you and dad!
VANESSA
keep on doing what you are doing cause our friendship is getting stronger and stronger. memories are creating themselves.
ELYSE
you know EVERYTHING. you know the time that i put into things. you know how much i care for my friends. you know that a give and dont expect. you worry about me so much. all in all you think waaay to highly of me
-Sekoya
Julia, Julia, Julia... I had a feeling this was coming, don’t ask me how, because I don’t know! This week’s been very weird for me, full of lack of sleep and the wrong things said at the wrong times... I don’t know what the direct reason is to why I’ve been so bleh. But I know that I’ve always slightly been like this. Even when I was small, I loved zoning out with either my cd player or my gameboy.. I realize I do these things a lot when I don’t want to talk about what we’re talking about, because subconsciously, it’s bothering me more than I know... I just, music helps me relax. It IS like a drug to me... And especially when we were talking about your mom at lunch, it just made me uncomfortable because I’ve thought about your situation so many times and come up with nothing, nothing at all... And I hate how I feel when I have nothing to say. It makes me feel shitty, so music makes me feel un-shitty. I quickly disregarded the fact that I was turning on music to distract me from the guilt by telling myself that I had songs to show Van. Which I did, but still. I’ve also been especially sad about math lately... My parents don’t help. I’ve never done this bad in school ever and it’s got me really down lately. It doesn’t help that everyone around me seems to be doing amazing in math either... I don’t know, I’ve always hated the feeling of being lonely.
ReplyDeleteThis is very awkward because I feel like I can't organize my thoughts. Sigh-.- I just feel lost. I feel like my brain's going to explode. I feel like I can lose it anytime. AND I don't know why... The lyrics from So Soon by Marianas Trench "But what if here and now, I tell you that I'm all figured out? Or maybe I just like how that sounds.", are especially relevant right now. I like to think that I have myself pretty figured out, but do I? I'm starting to think I just like how that sounds... I adore Lost In Stereo by All Time Low because I feel like I'm lost in stereo, I like how he portrays it as a "beautiful disaster"... I love Walls by All Time Low because I feel like breaking down my walls and just screaming at the world and being irrational and crazy and just go for things. Music speaks to me. If you're ever curious as to why I think a song relates to me, just ask. I usually have an answer! And I don't know, I'm on this journey of discovering myself entirely and I'm trying to explore my dark sides lately... See all the more unhappy things in my life to try to figure myself out further. I just want to find myself because right now, I feel like I'm floating.. And in a weird way, for the first time in my life, I feel like I am ready to be in a relationship, which I have never felt before... I think that's part of my irrational side coming out. "I wanna break down these walls I bulit around myself, I wanna fall so in love.." And it's a funny thought, but I'm just wondering why people can't go on a date before actually being boyfriend/girlfriend anymore... It's like, maybe you'd like the person more after, you never know! I'm just so confused in my thoughts. The joys of my teenage years ;) I'm sorry Julia, but I'm afraid I gotta do this on my own,'cause I'm not going through anything specific that you could help with, only I can help myself! Thank you for being there though <3 I love you!
-Eka
PS: Sorry for this really confusing text.
We've all gotta find ourselves.so we kinda are going through the same thing cause we all wanna just scream and we are all angry and we all hide away with music! we are going through teenager hood!and I know you WANT to do this on your own, but thats kind of hard when you have friends.of course its YOU who has to figure out but ''sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow, but if we are wise, we know that theres always tomorrow. so lean on me when your not strong ill be your friend, ill help you carry on...'' Lean on me
ReplyDeleteyou'll do this on your own but you''ll lean on me.
and not having a solution is not a problem. the solution will come when my mom chooses to stop drinking. till then ill just have to lean on you.we'll lean on each other:) cause you cant REALLY know what its like, but your imagination can go a long way and bring to places you never thought you'd go
and NO ONE likes the feeling of loneliness! I did an english project on this. hehe I feel lonely too cause i don't know anyone going through the same thing as me...
and you should be more irrational! its fun!hehe risk it all!
and yes TEENAGE years...we're all going through them!
we are both still trying to figure it out! I love you!
-Sekoya