this week

I went to school monday trying to be as hyper and as Julia like as possible. Like i do when i fake cry i have to exagerate the emotion and believe that im actually feeling like that. So in this case making myself believe that i was feeling happy. It was going well and only when i had time to think would i remind myself that i was sad. I was pushing the sadness out of my mind and it was working until vanessa said '' why are you sad?'' and i was like ''im no sad...'' and vanessa said ''but you just said you were sad and depressed...'' me, ''no i didn't...'' anyways that kind of screwed me over cause i had slipped with out even noticing. and the fact that i said that i was sad without noticing made me very scared because it was done without noticing...I went into a kind of daze after that and tried to forget that i had said it but it wa too late cause something had alreaady clicked in my head that brought me to just fall apart in front of you guys. I was trying so hard to be happy and hyper and like my usual self but it was just to much. I was just lying there, my head on the table and everything that had been bothering me was swarming my brain as i cried silently. I was hearing yelling in my head and voices and dogs barking and teachers lecturing and just voices in general. all of this probably seemed to have come out of nowhere but all of these things that id been pushing back had been very present in my head and i guess something snapped.
I was freaked out when i got home cause i was still down and when i walked into the house and up the stairs it hadn't even been 20second and my dad asked me ''whats wrong? what happened?'' I couldn't believe how fast it was for him to know something was up.
That night i didn't sleep. i just lay there all night my mind never going into the subconscious. I don't know what i was thinking about . I dont remember. I just remember a buzzing all through out the night and that every sound was amplified.
at school i was still in daze but forced myself to act happy because Arièle was sad about alexis with his new girlfriend. so i had a motivation to stay happy cause arièle needed me. It was easy to stay happy and exaggerate the emotion cause arièle needed me. It was harder to stay happy at lunch and i had to keep putting myself back into character cause i knew i could be sad around you guys but i didn't want to be a hassle and being sad isn't fun so no matter how exhausting it is to bring on the happiness i needed it cause being sad about stuff just tears me down more. And erika made it easier to stay in a good mood cause she was making me smile. It just was very exausting and i was hoping that i would actually sleep that night.
that evening i spoke to vanessa on the phone and she distracted me by telling me a story about a frog who wanted to jump as far as the rabbit. It was a very good distraction so even though she didn't know what to say she helped me out anyways.
that night i didn't sleep either but i was happy to find out that the lack of sleep was kicking in cause i was falling asleep on arièle in the bus and then i slept at home when i got home. Vanessa and me went to the pool and that was fun and helped me sleep that night so im happy i got that over with.
this is a very long text and im not gonna put in an explanation to why i was acting the way i was. I'm not ready to tell you why but maybe i'll wind up writting it down here or I'll tell you guys in person. i don't know when ill tell you what happened but when im ready i will. thank you guys for being there for me and sorry for this long paragraph filled with stuff you already now. I just wanted to write it down
-Sekoya